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Charming African American female in white sweater sitting at table and cuddling while looking at camera on on gray background
Charming African American female in white sweater sitting at table and cuddling while looking at camera on on gray background

How Do I Ask My Partner To Use A Condom?

My name is Mirabel and when I first started having sex, I was usually shy to talk about condoms with my partner. I couldn’t even buy a condom or look at where it is kept in the supermarkets. So, I was totally dependent on my partner’s decision to either use a condom or not.  Also, I did not want my partner(s) to think that I was planning on having sex with them before we would meet up. It just looked more ‘good girl’ that way. Finally, I also felt that explaining or insisting that I wanted them to wear condoms would spoil our romantic moments. 

However, after a series of sexually transmitted infections and two unwanted pregnancies, I learned my lesson. I finally realized my health and well-being were more important than what my partner thought about me. I was also sad that I had become such a people-pleaser. So I decided to change my behavior with 3 easy steps that I would like to share with you:

First Step (Arming myself with condoms):

I armed myself with different packs of condoms at home. I then chose two and kept it in my bag hidden in an old compact powder case. This meant that the next time I was going to do the vertical tootsie slide, I was not going to rely on the guy to bring the condom. It also meant I could trust the quality of the condom and not end up using an expired or badly stored condom. Seeing as most guys keep their condoms in their wallets (which is a wrong move by the way), it makes sense to bring yours.

Second Step:

I made sure I asked the big question, “Will you use a condom? Sometimes if I did not have mine, I would say can I see your condom?” The tip here is to ask this question well before any serious tongue action starts. By tongue action, I mean french kissing or even oral sex.  Let’s be frank, most ladies know where the action is headed. Why would you wait until it is ‘quarter to enter’ before you start asking for condoms. If for any reason, I did not come to see my partner with the intention to have sex and then somehow ‘it just happened’. Before the clothes come off, I make sure to sound a clear warning. I will stop if you do not use a condom. 

Third Step:

This isn’t a trust issue, this is just a case of being sex-smart. I always make sure I see the condom being put on or I feel the condom with my fingers before any dipping happens.  This is because Points 1 and 2, can happen and then somehow the condom will mysteriously disappear and this is why point 3 is SUPER important. 

Honestly, it took a lot of courage on my part to do all these 3 steps, because I am a very shy person. Over the years, I have realized that I was not only communicating well on Condom use. When it comes to sex,  I was communicating better in general. It was as though the lock on my lips had opened. I found it easier to express what I liked, what hurts, or simply to encourage my man to give me some more of this or stop doing that. 

To everyone reading this, my advice is simple: Do not ever feel pressured to go with the flow just because your partner wants condomless sex. You can always say NO and call it quits. Talking to your sex partner about condoms is important. It is your way of saying “My health and yours are of utmost importance. I want both of us to be pregnancy-free and/or STD-free or at least avoid exchanging STDs”. 

Any partner who will not respect your decision to use a condom, should not be knacking. I did not understand this simple fact earlier in life and I have regrets. I am glad I understand this now.  It has shaped me into the confident, healthy woman I have become. I hope my Sexlife story inspires others to become the same. 

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