What does “Wait until you’re ready to have sex” mean?
Hello, I am Sandra and this is my story.
I remember I was 15, the first time I learned about sex with men and what it entailed. Back then, I knew that some of my classmates were already having sex. Within me, I just felt that I was not ready one bit for it. I had a boyfriend too, but I told him this relationship had to be sex-free to exist. I look back on my first boyfriend with a smile. He accepted my wishes with nearly zero pressure.
Looking back on it, I can say that I didn’t really know when “ready” is. I knew at that time when I was 15 (I am 26 now), that it did not just feel right in my spirit for me to have sex. I think mentally I just knew I was not ready to kiss anyone, let alone take off my clothes and have sex. My favourite almost namesake aunty-Cassandra always said to trust what your spirit or your inner mind is telling you, that it knows you better than you know yourself.
Four years ago, I met Francis and he took me on a journey of daily baths in the ecstasy of ‘everlasting love’. He swore that I was THE ONE for him. Each time he touched me, I had multiple toe twitches. On the eve of a friend’s wedding where I was part of the bridal train, I got a room in the bride’s hotel. That night, Francis came to visit me at the hotel and once again, he asked me for the 1000th time to have sex. This time around, his promises of love and loyalty sounded like delicious spells. Thus, when Francis kissed me gently, my common sense officially jumped ship and I felt I was ready.
The sex that night was like magic served with a twist of discovery and satisfaction. The way we touched and kissed was amazing. Even though I had been told by a friend not to expect it, I had my first orgasm. Francis had used a condom, so thankfully I did not have to worry about pregnancy. I did not even think about it at all. I just sort of fell into his ready arms expecting everything to be perfect. Life made so much sense that weekend and Francis professed his love to me again. However, by the following week, I suddenly began to feel and notice some lies sieving through his every word.
I thought I was ready for sex, but the parts of me that had more expectations from sex than my partner was truly willing to give. I began to scream in protest. Each time I saw signs that said he was spending time with another woman, I began to regret my decision. First, I blamed my suspicions on my naivety. He was a master of words, he always had something to say that proved that he was innocent. I thought I was just being paranoid.
A month later, I wanted to surprise him on his birthday, so I went to see him without notice like I usually did. What I saw when I peeked through his window, felt like a knife stab through my heart. He was on the bed pounding it out passionately, with another woman. Francis who was always swearing that I was ‘THE ONE’ and promising a journey of forever. Was this all a scam to get me to have sex? I did not know when the cake and gifts I was holding fell with a loud clatter bringing their attention to me.
All I could feel was pain
Francis stopped and stared at me in shocked silence. Then he gathered himself and opened the window wide, having realized the situation was too obvious to lie about. He could not even be bothered to open his door and invite me in. He gave me a sad smile and told me to my face that he was just having a fun time and everything I thought we shared and felt was a lie. I began to feel anger from the top of my head as it reverberated down to my toes. The rage made my skin burn, but most of all, all I felt was pain. Pain that he could stab me in the back like this.
When I got home, I was no longer crying, but all I felt was this dull ache and the burning question. Was this heartache all I got for waiting till I was ready?
It took a while before I could heal from Francis’s betrayal. As I began to heal, I also began to understand that I need to find those questions that I would have needed to decide if I was ready for sex. So I asked my male and female friends and swapped stories. I needed to fully understand what the phrase “waiting until you are ready” really means or meant to them. I finally came up with a bunch of questions and with a clear mind, I began to ask myself these hard questions.
Was I ready?
Was I really ready physically, mentally or emotionally when I had sex with Francis? Had I thought about the possibility that even if I wanted forever, my partner may have wanted to tap this and go? Was I ready for the possibility that even if he had been faithful, our relationship might still not have worked out? Did I understand that I could not hang so many hopes on sex? that I could not build a whole future life in my head behind this single act of sex?
Was I ready physically to prevent pregnancy and infections that night when we first had sex at the hotel? Was I mentally ready for the possibility that even though he used a condom, if he did it wrong, I could have gotten pregnant the first time? What if Francis had not brought a condom at all? Was I ready for the possibility that right now I could be both heartbroken and pregnant? Sure, I had a good first time, but was I ready to accept the possibility that my first time could have been painful and unpleasant?
I can admit now that I never thought this through or understood what readiness meant for me. I am hoping someone reading this would find their own answers too.
Now I know that it all boils down to understanding. Your choice to have sex can have either positive and/or negative repercussions. I also now understand that even when you are ready for sex, it does not guarantee that your expectations from sex will be met by your partner.
It’s all about your choice
I also came to the realization that even among women, not everyone wants the same things. We have different parameters to determine if we are ready. Some women might be ready to have sex the first time they meet someone they find attractive. Women like me want to fall in love as a first requirement to be ready. Some women might not be ready to have sex until they get married for religious or personal reasons. Some women have a ‘six month or longer’ waiting window to figure their readiness out.
Surprisingly, I also found out it is okay if you NEVER want to have sex at all. There is no age or the exact time when you have to be ready for sex. Finally I have also realised that just because I had sex in a previous relationship does not mean a new partner can automatically assume that I am ready for sex.
So now I can proudly say that I understand what the phrase “wait until you are ready” means FOR ME” and I will stick to it?